i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
