Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
