Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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