Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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