Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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