I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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