The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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