We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
They took my balls.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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