I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
