I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
