How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
