3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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