she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
