My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
