If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
