So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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