she woke up with a sticky ear
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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