I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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