WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
