why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
