I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
