Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i will never coherently bang her
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
