Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She bit a glass in half.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
