Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
