Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
In other news, I just burned my penis
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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