I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
