my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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