what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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