I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We left the knife in your bed.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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