i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
