wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
