Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
