dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
