Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
