OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
