i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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