Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
