I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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