i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just googled if crying burns calories
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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