I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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