I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
