my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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