Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize