You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
