The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
