so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
did you just send me my own nude
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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