Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
