Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
