Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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