ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
