Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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