Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
