last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize