I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
