I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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