I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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