I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
