Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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