My first STD was from a foam party
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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