Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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