this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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