So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
