There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You peed on a flamingo?!?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
