My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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